What is a father to you? To me a father is the shadow that guides you, a soul that protects you, a heart that loves you and a hand that holds on to you when you are afraid to walk alone in the dark and empty streets of society where demons are always hiding to push you into the deep ocean of hatred, criticism and judgment for being who you are or want to be. He is a person who wants to have you more than he could have in his life, but what happens if that person is not in your life? How it feels? I believe, it feels like there is hole in your heart that lets in all the demons from outside to push you into that ocean. It feels like, there is no shadow that will guide you if you lost your way. It feels like, there is no soul that will protect you from all the evil this world holds outside your four walls. It feels like you will be left alone to face everything on your own when you don’t even know what happens if anything or anyone dies. So many questions and confusions are thrown right in your face for whom you had always to looked at your father. Dilemma is the disgust and anger you have preserved in your inner self, for becoming what everyone wants you to be is in full rage and you can do nothing about it.
You know why? Because no one was there to teach you how to deal with it. And its not anyone’s fault, not yours and not your family’s because they were also suffering and having battle of their own. Sometimes things were supposed to be that way… But what all this is about? Its about the pain that you feel every time you think about what could have been the possibilities if that person whom you call father was here, with you.
Sometimes in life, when we think all the doors are closed and we are the most depressed person on the earth and you don’t find a single light in your life. That doesn’t mean you are a thankless and mean person, instead it means you have suffered much in your life for the time. I think that is the point of your life when you have given up everything. This is how I have felt the whole time, I feel lost and shattered most of the time because I feel I got everything in life, literally everything but there is one thing that I didn’t get and that is loyalty and sincerity. I love people unconditionally and that is what has drowned me completely. I always looked forward to love in life but all I got was a broken and damaged heart. I never knew loving a person would cost so much, I am madly and deeply in love with a person who does love me back but I am unable to understand and identify the course of this relation. I gave everything for this relation and might do in coming future as well. But I am not even certain is this forever or just for the time being? When you are in love all the concept of right and wrong vanish, everything seems to be perfect if that special person is part of every moment. I am not sure about anything now in my life; my career, my academics my social life but there is one thing I am certain about that is I love that person so much that if I lost him I would lose myself forever. Everybody says when time passes everything seems to get fine. No, it doesn’t, it never does. All the sorrows, pain, heart break and emptiness remains there. What changes is you just get better at hiding and pretending. But there also comes a stage when your heart is so much filled with heavy feelings that you cannot hide or pretend anymore and this is the point where you break, you break into million pieces. All you do is remember the good times and just feel nostalgic about those moments that gave you so much to remember. Even that much that you can spend your whole life with such moments. So, those who say time is supposed to heal everything are wrong. You can never erase a memory, a person or a moment from your past or coming future. If there comes a phase like this in your life don’t be afraid because you cannot undo what has been done. You cannot deny the way you feel. Best way to go through this is to let the heart do what it wants. If it wants to break let it be, if it wants to be stay strong let it be. Don’t impose anything that doesn’t work out for you and make yourself a mess that could crave its roots deep down in you.
Sometimes it is not possible to see things clearly, all you want to see and feel is others to understand where you stand or what you want. Then, when nobody cares or feels the same way it kind of shatters you inside out. This world is filled so many different people and expectations attached to those people that there comes a time in your life, it totally breaks you into million pieces. I guess that is time when you need some support and you don’t get support mostly, it kind of makes you angry at those whom you wanted to be with you in those times. I don’t know if it makes any sense this how I feel at the moment and I am unable to stabilize my self.
What’s done is done,
What’s gone is gone.
What remains will stay,
Everything else is just a say.
What you see is bloodshed,
What I see is graves blocked.
Graves of kids they were innocent,
Those who martyred them were malevolent.
16-12-2014 still remembered!
“I am alive yet after one month of what happened, I breathe even after what happened, I see all even after what happened.”
16th December was the cruelest day I had ever seen. More than 140 little souls lost their lives for what? for the name of extremism! If I don’t say out loud even those little faces roam in front of my eye. Days have been passed. We have moved on but what never will move on is the thought of those little souls who lost their lives in terrorist attack in Peshawar APS.
I Shall rise and shine!
People often make new year resolutions, I am never against them. Yes, they are motivation for us to lead. But, we have to understand and see before we make any new year resolution that we can not make anything happen if we do not make ourselves better. I love dreams, I love to make them accomplish, see them happening I hate fantasies even though I live them in most of the times. By heart I hate them because they take me to “Lala land” of my imaginations. I have grown, I am strong and I am being honest that I am not the best person ever! But I am trying to be a better person everyday. It’s a new year that has new outcomes for everybody and I wish this is peaceful for our world. Ameen. I am Muslim. ALHAMDULILAH. I am proud of that and I just want to say we Muslims are not extremists, extremists are those who live beyond humanity and Islam is all about Humanity because ALLAH (S.W.T) says in the Holy Qur’an,” and who give food – however great be their own want of it – unto the needy, and the orphan, and the captive, [saying in their hearts,] “We feed you for the sake of God alone: we desire no recompense from you, nor thanks” 49:13
May God bless you!
So, after the long struggle of at least 4-5 hours I am successful in kicking out a lizard out of my room not only but home as well!
Thought of having it in my room could not even spare me to do anything.
All I thought how to get it out of my room.
Well, to meet up this demand all I did was:
1. cursing it every second.
2. A viper to attract.
3. My slipper to make sounds by slamming it to wall several times.
4. A whole bottle of insect killer spray (even though it could not kill it but just to make it dizzy) [It did helped]
5. Few screams in home to wake up everyone and tell there is a lizard in our home. (My mom literally got scared with my screams)
6. And quick speed in opening doors to kick it off.
So, after kicking it out of my room I tracked it to the balcony of room and kicked it out of home as well with the help of viper through draining pipe.
ME with my LEGENDARY victorious face in the balcony not noticing people on the road are finding me a retard holding a viper and dancing!
Whew! Long story!